Does he always blame you when he does something wrong? This article will explain why he does that.
The term narcissist tends to get thrown around quite loosely. People use it to describe anyone who appears overly self obsessed and/or devoid of any regard for feelings and needs of others. It’s all about them. The truth is that most people are not truly a narcissist, they simply possess a lot of the traits.
A true narcissist loves himself, really loves himself – which to most of us, is something we wish to achieve ourselves. We read all the self help books and articles, watch the videos that encourage and motivate us to ‘love ourselves‘ and improve our self esteem in order to be more confident and successful. We want that. We desire it, so where’s the problem?
High Self Esteem
Firstly let me explain high self esteem. It is usually associated with a desire to be valued and to be accepted by the community. It can be defined as being a person having a positive attitude towards their ‘self’ and it doesn’t usually have any detrimental or negative impacts upon their life or relationships. It is generally a good trait and it can help with achieving goals and feelings of contentment. So why is it a bad trait for a narcissist?
The Difference Between High Self Esteem And Narcissism
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) love themselves too, but for different reasons as someone with high self esteem. They don’t just want acceptance from the community, they want to perform in front of them. They over emphasise their good points and completely discount any negative aspects of themselves. They tend to have an idealised, grandiose image of themselves, whereas someone with high self esteem doesn’t.
Psychologist do argue that narcissistic tendencies are not always a negative thing – in the short term, however long term, it does tend to affect the people living around the person, as their over-estimated view of their self worth, intelligence and capabilities can be very draining.
Shifting The Blame
As well as possessing an overblown sense of self love, a narcissist rarely owns up to their mistakes.
How can they when everything about them is so perfect?
In their world they do nothing wrong, the blame lies with anyone and everyone around them.
Projection or blame shifting occurs when someone knows a mess has been created but it can’t possibly be them, it has to be fault of someone else. After all, they are the superior being, who makes no mistake. It’s like they build them self up in order to tear you down. It deflects from their flaws if they shift the blame.
Some projection can result in false accusations. A common example of this is for someone who may be cheating accuses their partner of infidelity. They are blame shifting. Of course, not in all circumstances as some people have insecurity issues, but quite often you will find that someone who has been having an affair constantly accuses their partner.
Quite simply, blame shifting is a psychological defense mechanism and it is something that the narcissist has mastered to a T.
Sigmund Freud believed that projection is when a person defends himself against his own unconscious impulses, emotions, or beliefs by going into a denial, and instead attributing them to a partner, family member or other person.
The Perfect Persona
He shifts the blame onto you because he has to keep up his ‘perfect persona’ act, so he will play the victim and tell everyone it was all your fault. This blame shifting works. People quite often believe them, which leaves you feeling crap about yourself and sometimes you question yourself. You may even question your own sanity (gaslighting) – a common response.
Quite simply, they don’t want people noticing their flaws so they distract them by pointing out yours. It’s like ‘Don’t look at what I’m doing, look over there at her and what she’s doing!’ It is a manipulative tactic that works.
Things You Can Do To Deal With A Chronic Blamer
- Stop Blaming Yourself – Sometimes in your relationships it is your fault and you do need to take a good look at yourself and examine your behaviour. It takes courage to do it, but it is usually a good opportunity to grow and improve your relationship. We are all works in progress. However, a narcissist will frequently blame you for actions that don’t belong to you.
Be Clear On Who You Are
- – To protect yourself from a constant blamer you must be clear on who you are. Don’t budge on what you know to be the truth about who you are. A chronic blamer will constantly try to make you feel like the person in the wrong. You know yourself better than anyone else, so stand firm and don’t waver from the truth.
- – Distance yourself mentally from what the blamer is accusing you of. If there is no truth in what they are saying about you then you need to search your heart for the ‘real’ you and distance yourself from the accusation. You know that they are projecting their issues onto you so send that projection right back at them.
If a person doesn’t want to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, they may try to blame others. Don’t accept blame or try to fix things for them when you’ve done nothing wrong. They need to learn that if they want different outcomes, they will have to make different choices. ~Doe Zantamata